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TPG Week 278: Things Changed, But Nothing Learned

| April 22, 2016

TPG Forbes-Kroboth

Welcome back, one and all, to the final few installments of The Proving Grounds. If you haven’t read the announcement or heard about it elsewhere, I’m packing it in. It’s almost six and a half years. Time to do something else. I’m not taking any more submissions. May 13 will be the last TPG. Prepare yourselves.

Anyway, back to business. We have something we don’t get too often here at TPG: a resubmission! Jay VanVeen has sent us another crack at his story, first submitted here. Let’s see what’s been learned. We also have Steve Colle in blue, and Ryan Kroboth with the pencil assist. I am the crotchety fellow in red. Now, let us all turn to see what Jay does with a resubmission of

Fin & Bones

Page One

Seven Panels

    1. Interior shot of Meanwhile bar. It’s crowded with the down-and-out denizens of The Town. Smoke fills the air. There’s a row of barstools running along the counter top, which runs the length of the side of the bar’s interior wall. Behind that, in the center of the room, is a spread of high-top tables with stools around them. (By saying “behind that”, are you establishing the counter top as being in the foreground?) People are laughing, drinking, looking miserable, flirting, smoking. It’s not skid row, but it’s a long way from The Ritz. Through the crowd of people at the high-tops, we see the backs of Fin and Bones as they are propped up on bar stools, hunched over the countertop. (This, as a follow up to the placement of the counter top I mentioned above, shows it’s in the background. So which is it?) Fin’s hat (his coat is off and draped over the stool he is sitting on) and Bones’ slicked back blonde hair are the only identifying traits we can see of them through the crowd.

If it’s an interior shot of the bar, then why isn’t there any sound or speech? By having it as a silent panel, you’re wasting an opportunity to introduce the reader to the realities of a bar scene, especially one that is supposedly crowded with people laughing, etc. Another two options would have been to either start your character conversation here or have an introductory caption at least stating the name of the bar with or without time of day.

    1. Profile shot on the bar where Fin and Bones sit. We look down the bar as Fin and Bones sit on the right side of the panel. We can see both of them in the panel, but Fin is in the foreground closer to us. (Why are they on the right of the panel instead of the left? You say Fin is in the foreground, which means he would be the last person seen if on the right as we read left to right. Right?) We can also see across the bar counter as Horace stands across from Fin in conversation. Fin smokes and holds a tumbler of whiskey with his LEFT hand. He looks at Horace as he talks. Horace cleans a pint glass with a rag, looking at that instead of Fin as they talk. Bones is sitting to Fin’s right. (I thought you said the characters were on the right and that Fin was in the foreground, but now you have Bones sitting on Fin’s right and placing him in the foreground. Do you see how this can be confusing?) He’s in conversation with a pretty blonde girl. (Girl is in typical 20’s American attire. Nothing fancy. It ain’t that kind of joint.) (Two things here: 1) What constitutes “typical 20’s American attire” and 2) if Fin is in the foreground, but Bones is to his right (placing him in the foreground), then where is the girl in the scene?)(And she’s magically delicious. She should have been visible in panel 1.)

Bones has a partially drank pint of beer on the counter in front of him and a cigarette in his mouth.

So far your panel descriptions are high on detail and low on clarity. There are a lot of little details that I question the importance of, making me wonder if your artist could be given a bit more leeway in how things look. What’s important? The fact Fin is talking with Horace and/or that Bones is talking with a young woman? The placement of Fin’s glass and/or the amount of liquid in Bones’s glass? Here’s a hint: If it acts as a prop that will hold significance in telling the story, put focus on it. If it doesn’t, allow artistic interpretation.

HORACE: You catch the fights last night? (Could this have been put in the first panel? Yes.)

FIN: Nah.

HORACE: Not one of them worth a damn. Boys these days… not like back when you was fightin’.

    1. Pan over to focus on Bones now (This is a static medium. Cameras cannot pan. I thought this would have been learned already from the many times I’ve said it over the years. :Insert small, exasperated sigh here, along with mouthing the words “Three more to go…”:). He’s a little glassy eyed. He smiles as he blows smoke out of the corner of his mouth and looks at the girl siting next to him with a slight turn of his head. (Where is she sitting and which way does he turn his head?)(I’m not even going to try to parse it. I’m just going to call it a moving panel and be done with it.) The girl is moved in closer to him, but she is leaned back from Bones, narrowing one eye. She has a look of skepticism on her face as she listens to what Bones is saying. (This doesn’t seem like a pan, but rather a complete change in the positioning of the camera. The focus is now on facial expressions, something the camera in the last panel didn’t seem to identify.)

GIRL: You’re weird. (This should be said after he speaks, not before. Otherwise all we have as context for her remark are his glassy eyes and his blowing smoke.)(This also means your pacing is off. Hard thing to accomplish within three panels on P1, but there it is. I need Scotch…)

BONES: All I’m sayin’ is nothing makes you keep thinkin’ the way ya think except for that’s the way you continue to think. Ya gotta think about thinkin’. (There are a lot of inconsistencies in how you’ve presented his speech here, with an –ing here and an –in’ there, as well as ‘you’ vs. ‘ya’ and so on. Here’s an example of a rewrite of this same nonsensical dialogue: All I’m sayin’ is nothin’ makes y’keep thinkin’ the way y’think ‘cept fer that’s th’ way y’continya t’ think. Y’gotta think ‘bout thinkin’! Now try to say what you wrote and what I wrote out loud. It’s a stumble of a mouthful regardless of how it’s presented. In spite of his drunken stupor, could Bones say this effectively? Also, this dialogue by itself could have been used in your first panel as the only text to replace my previous suggestion. It establishes how drunk your character is right from the start, it sets up a potential situation that could occur in any bar, and it gets your reader into what kind of story they may be getting themselves into, for good or ill.)

This is where “You’re weird” needs to go.

GIRL: (Take out the ellipsis) You gonna buy me another drink or what?

BONES: No.

Go back to your description for this panel and then look at what dialogue you have here. This exchange would be better served with two distinct visuals expressing two different things: the first is Bones trying to impress the girl and her stated reaction; the second would be her hopeful, perhaps flirty expression as she asks him to buy her another drink with his sudden change in demeanor to a flat out “No.” By doing this, you’re taking advantage of the distinct differences in facial expression and body language the exchange would produce.

    1. Shot from behind Fin and Bones. A drunken man in a crumpled suit (Is he a homeless man? Why is it crumpled?) and loosened tie has stumbled and bumps hard into the shoulders of Fin and Bones. Bones is pushed forward by the momentum, his stomach pushed uncomfortably into the edge of the bar, a look of surprise on what we can see of his face. The girl next to him brings her fingers up to her mouth in alarm. Fin’s arm is pushed forward as well and he spills his whiskey as he’s pushed. We see the moment of impact. Off panel, from be behind the bar, a phone rings. (There’s a lot of specificity here that seems to involve everyone in the panel. Where did the guy stumble from? (Not magically delicious, but I suspect some teleportation was involved.) Show him approaching in your last panel (Because if you do that, then it won’t seem like he teleported in. No, folks, I don’t read Steve’s comments before I make mine, either.). Why stumble into both Fin and Bones? Just having the guy hit Bones, the drunker of the two friends, would create a reaction – a much bigger one than just surprise – and would create an expected reaction and more interest in the happenings of the story.)

SFX: Briiiinnggggg briiiingggg

Why is the phone ringing the only sound here? Wouldn’t Fin, Bones, the girl, or Horace say something as a result of the guy stumbling and hitting them? This is a wasted opportunity to liven up your story.

    1. Same perspective as previous shot. Bones has quickly stood up and now stands tall over the drunken man. (This could have been slowed down to Bones turning in his seat and then standing, making eye contact in the first and towering in the second.) The drunken man is hunched over, just having regained his balance. He looks up past Bones and at Fin. He’s obviously frightened. Fin is turned around, but remains seated. Bones has a look of anger on his face as he stares down at the man who just bumped them. Fin just stares at the man. We don’t see anger on his face, but severity. (Severity? How do you show severity? I’ve looked online for a visual example and found nothing. Do you need to choose a different, more effective word? I’d say so.) (How many times have I said “simple, clean emotions for facial expressions,” and “the cleaner the emotion, the easier it is to draw”? How often have I been listened to? Not often enough, it seems.)The people around them all stop talking and look on the situation with fear and curiosity. (What people around them? Fin, Horace, and the girl? Or were you referring to other bar patrons? Were these the same people seen in the previous panel?) Wondering if they will witness the violence they all know these two men are capable of. (This sentence doesn’t serve a purpose to your description. Keep prose out of panel descriptions.) In the background, past Fin and Bones and behind the bar, we get a partial view of Horace as he holds the phone to his ear. He looks over in the direction of the guys as he does. (So I take it Horace isn’t the least bit concerned the bar is going to get wrecked? There isn’t any facial expression to indicate it either way.)(Remember those old EF Hutton commercials? “My broker at EF Hutton says…”, and then people stop whatever it is they’re doing to listen. It’s unnatural, but that’s what commercials are for. This? This is also unnatural, but it isn’t a commercial.)

HORACE: ‘Lo? Yeah, they here. (“They here”? What country is he from? English as a second language?)(Poor English isn’t the only province of ESL people. I hear terrible English all the time in that ‘hood.)

HORACE: Hey Fin, s’fer you. (Comma-fail.)

    1. Smaller panel. Fin leans over the bar and has the receiver of the phone to his face. The cord stretches across the gap of the space behind the bar. Horace looks uninterested as he waits for Fin.

FIN: Yeah?

FIN: Yeah. Ok.

This needs two panels to allow for both lines of dialogue and their corresponding actions to be presented, as well as to pace out a pause between both. (Why draw out the uninteresting? The two balloons should be enough of a pause. How can a longer pause be achieved within this same panel, Greg?)

    1. The people crowding the bar move to either side as Fin makes his way through them. (Why does the ocean of people open up when he passes? If it were Bones, I could understand as he was about to do something [what, I don’t know] to the guy who bumped him, but Fin shouldn’t garner that kind of respect or fear… should he?) He is walking away from his seat, (This is redundant as he has already left his seat, right?) and the scene that we just saw, towards the exit (and towards us). (Be clearer with “he is walking towards the exit [us]”.) He has his coat on now (When did he put it on? When did he grab it from his seat?) and smokes a cigarette with his LEFT hand. (The same cigarette as before? And does it matter which hand is holding it?) Everyone eyes him nervously as he walks past. (Why?) Bones stands now (He was already standing in Panel 1.5) as is also facing us. He is behind Fin. Following him out. (Is Bones still at his seat or has he already started walking out behind Fin? I’m confused.) The man who just bumped them stands back and looks relieved. Bones gives him a disdainful look as he moves past him. (Just how far away was the ‘bumper’ from Bones when Bones was standing up from his seat? If Bones is “also facing us” as you described above, then how is he giving a disdainful look to this other guy who is now behind him?) If (?) we see Horace (Do we or don’t we see Horace?), he’s just gone back to cleaning glasses. The girl watches Bones as he leaves. (What is the girl’s expression as she “watches”?)

FIN: C’mon, kid.

FIN: We got work.

There is a lot of stuff happening on this page when you consider you had seven panels and I suggested three more be added for clarity and pacing. Does it require two pages to create better pacing and perhaps a hook to a page turn after the man bumps into Fin and Bones? I’d say so.

A big question, in my opinion, is this: Does this first page effectively set up your story? Well, you’ve established character by putting them into a setting that allows some of their details to be shared naturally, even though “natural” doesn’t describe how the dialogue sounds to my ear. You did set up their personalities a bit, but I would have liked more clear-cut character definition beyond the lackluster opening of “Did you watch the fights?” and “Nah” to find out Fin’s fighting background. More conversation would have been nice.

The other thing that really bothered me was not knowing Fin and Bones were friends until the last panel. Why couldn’t there have been conversation between them, such as Fin telling the guy who bumped into them just how much trouble he’s in for banging into him and his friend? A stronger indication of their relationship would have helped lead into the last panel.

We have P1 on the books, and I’ll tell you the truth, I’m not feeling it. And that was even before I found out that Prince died. (For any who don’t know, I’m a very big Prince fan. I don’t get star struck. I don’t do the whole “loss for words” thing over celebrities. There are only three people whom I have wanted to see in person: Jim Shooter, Stan Lee, and Prince. I have met, thanked, and shook the hand of Jim Shooter. I have not met Stan Lee, nor laid eyes on him in person. I have not met Prince in person, although I have been to one of his concerts. I guess that will have to count.)

This page is boring. In the previous iteration, I called it weak. The minor mystery is there, the quotations have been removed, and there was a start with a different panel that I called for, but panels were added that slowed this down. I asked for more punch, and I got a beverage instead of the leather-gloved fist I was looking for. Some character was established, but the real question is: do we care enough to turn the page? Is the minor mystery enough to carry interest through to the next page? I’m going to say no, despite the crowd’s reaction. Or probably because of it. Here’s why.

It’s unnatural. I’ve been in my share of bars, and when they’ve got patrons, they’re too busy being in their own business to be in someone else’s. Not preternaturally so. Maybe if Fin & Bones were the focus of the bar in the first place, but since they weren’t, this is really out of place.

There isn’t much established here. More than the previous entry, but given the fact that there are more panels to help tell the story, the fact that no real story was told is disheartening. Disinterest grips me, made moreso by the reaction of the people in the bar. (I do like the name of the bar, though. I hope it shows up somewhere in P2.)

As writers, we have to be as interesting as possible as fast as possible. It doesn’t have to be action, but it has to be something that conspicuously draws attention to itself in such a manner that not turning the page would constitute a crime. Does that happen here? Not in the least.

Adding panels did the reverse of what you wanted. You wanted to build interest, but instead you gave disinterest. By adding, you subtracted.

Basically, it looks like you’re bad at math. I hope you don’t continue this trend.

Let’s see what P2 brings.

Page Two

Five panels

    1. Pulled back panel looking down onto the scene. It’s nighttime in a deciduous forest. Off to the side, Fin’s car is parked facing the men with its headlights on them. Giving them light in the dark woods. Fin and Bones are both busy at work digging a hole in the ground. One that looks like a good fit for a human body. It’s just a little past waist-level deep. They both have their jackets off and shirtsleeves rolled up to their elbows. They both smoke as they work.

(Car looks like this only a bit more beat up: http://i42.tinypic.com/200ej4k.jpg)

This scene switch could use some dialogue and/or a caption to help the reader understand the transition. You’re relying on a lot of lack-of-information, such as the short call Fin took in the previous scene, to lead the reader through your story. Share that with your audience. I feel this is something akin to a private joke as it stands now, with your knowing what is happening and expecting us to automatically know as well.

    1. Tighter on Fin and Bones. Bones leans up against the side (Of what? The hole that is only waist deep?) as he drinks from his flask. His shovel is leaned next to him. Fin stands up and slightly bends back (Forward or backward?) as he holds his left hand to his lower back. (Is the hand he uses necessary to identify?) He is sweating slightly and his right hand holds his hat as he uses the back of that hand to wipe sweat from his brow.

BONES: Break time? (I concur: Break time? We just got into this scene and we’re already taking a break?)

FIN: Take a slug, then get back to work.

FIN: I gotta piss. (Bones initiated, and yet here it sounds like Fin did so he could relieve himself. Why not just have Fin say to Bones, “ I gotta piss. Take a slug and get back to work”?)

    1. Fin walks towards us in the foreground of the panel. His hat in back on now. We see Bones in the hole behind him. Bones is back to work digging already, but he looks at Fin with a grin. Behind them both, the headlights of the car light up the panel. (If he’s walking toward us and we can see his hat is on, then we can also see his face. Why doesn’t he have an expression?)

BONES: Prostate actin’ up, old timer?

FIN: Kiss the entirety of my ass.

    1. Shot tighter on Bones. He’s a little dirty (Just a little?) and sweaty from digging. He whistles as he works. (So where’s the whistling sound for your letterer?)

    1. We see Bones in the hole again, (Did he ever leave the hole? Not according to what I’ve been reading.) but here, he’s just noticed something. He looks up slightly from his bent over digging position, from what we can see on his face, he looks slightly confused. (Forehead skin scrunched up, eyes tightening.) (This already requires at least two panels, the first to hit something with his shovel, the second to react to what he’s found.) Between him and the car (opposite side from which Fin just walked away in) we see a pair of slender woman’s legs, and the bottom of a white dress that runs just to the knees. A bit of blood stains the bottom of the dress as it spills down from above. Maybe even a little goes down her leg. Keep it focused on Bones. Only show the girl from the waist down. It’s GHOST ZOE. (When I initially read this section of description, from my last blue edit to here, I understood that the legs and white dress, etc. was inside the hole, like a body Bones had dug up, but upon reading a third and fourth time, I now think you mean there is a woman walking up to the hole. Is this correct? This tells me you didn’t describe it effectively.)

I’m really disappointed in the lack of information you are giving the reader. The dialogue you have from the last scene to now has done nothing to tell us what is happening or to indicate why it’s happening. Think of your five W’s: who, what, where, when, why. As a matter of fact, throw ‘how’ in there, too. What have you given us, honestly? Not a hell of a lot. Because I have no idea what the story is about, what the character motivations are, why they are doing what they’re doing, and so much more given so little, I just want to shut the book right now. You also haven’t taken advantage of the simplest of opportunities to pull the reader in: using text to tell the story in the form of dialogue, captions, or even sound effects. Instead, you have an over-abundance of silent panels like a television that keeps getting muted. Give us information! Give us information! (I say as I walk around my office with a picket sign reading this same thing…)(Don Kroboth? This be thine own.)

P2, and while things have changed, nothing was learned. I find that to be the most disappointing thing of all.

The previous submission had a splash page for P2 that was nothing but padding. It was terrible. It was cut, and we’re now in the woods with the digging. There was more dialogue in the previous submission, and while it didn’t do much, it at least gave something to read.

This? This is more being bored. With cutting of dialogue, we’re being bored even faster than before. We still have no real information about anything that’s going on. It’s like boring the reader is the goal. Who wants information when you could be bored? We don’t want interest. We turn our nose up at interest! Give me boring and give me rest! (Prince is gone. That’s quite enough Death for today, thank you very much.)

At least you’ve provided a light source, like what was suggested last time. Again, things have changed, but nothing was learned. That ghost girl showing up? It’s moved up some in an attempt to be more interesting and doing it faster, but I still want some context. Dialogue would have been nice. Something to run a bit counterpoint to what we have.

I don’t want people to think that I’m advocating all action all the time. I’m not. I’m advocating being interesting, which is something completely different. If you can’t be interesting, then you can’t truly hold a reader’s attention. They’re going to wonder when you’re going to get to the good part.

How can you be more interesting? Through dialogue. This is not easy. Dialogue and telling a story with it and through it are difficult. It takes practice. That practice isn’t evident here. Dialogue has been removed when more than likely shouldn’t have been. Remember, dialogue has to reveal character and move the plot. Some character was removed with the chopping of the dialogue.

On to P3.

Page Three

Six Panels

    1. Tight on Ghost Zoe. She stands still with a blank expression on her face (Of course she’s standing still…). Her head is tilted slightly down to look at Bones. (Is Bones in this panel or is he off panel?)(If we’re tight on her, and she’s looking down, where is the camera?) A light wind blows a few strands of her hair out of place. Her skin is white and pale. Her mouth is closed. She has a bullet hole in her chest, right over her heart. Blood has poured out of the wound and runs down her front, staining her clothes over her chest and stomach, and as we saw from the last panel, spills down to her waist and legs. The light from Fin’s car seems to die down and the black forest fills in the space around her.

You call her Ghost Zoe, but make it sound like she’s a zombie, a corporeal being, instead of a ghost. Did the ‘light wind’ exist in other panels and how is it blowing the hair of a non-corporeal being? And how would we, as your reader, know that there’s a light wind moving her hair and not simple physical movement on her part? And by the way, why do you keep having silent panels? It’s nerve-wracking to have the mute button on through most of your story.

    1. Tight on Bones. (Where is the camera in relation to the last panel?) He has fallen backwards. He is on his ass with his back up to the side of the hole. His hands planted on either side of him. His eyes are wide with fear and shock. (When you put descriptors like fear and shock together, realize that they can represent two different emotions or degrees of the same emotion. Which is stronger, fear or shock? Go with the stronger of the two.)(I swear that people don’t learn. There are archives that can be gone through for TPG, there are other things at the ComixTribe site… I think they’re all lying fallow. How many of you can fathom the depths of my frustration?) His mouth is open and his cigarette is mid-fall out of it. (No, that last part doesn’t ring true. Why do I say this, Rin? What about that last sentence makes the panel false?)

BONES: Jesus (Add exclamation mark) What the fuck! (Though sounding like a question, this seems more an exclamation, so no foul here.)

    1. Ghost Zoe holds out her right hand loosely in front of her. (In a static medium like comics, “loosely” holding out a hand can’t be expressed visually. Take a picture of your hand being held out this way. Can you tell it’s loose?) Almost like she wants Bones to take it. It looks like a gesture for help. Her hand is tilted slightly and open, but her fingers are still curling in towards her palms. The wind is picking up a bit and her hair is pushed farther to the side by the breeze. Her mouth is open slightly as if she is beginning to talk. (There is so much wrong with this panel description: The wind affecting a ghost’s hair, the ‘loose’ reference, the curled up fingers on a loose hand, etc.)

    1. Close on Ghost Zoe’s face. Her blank expression as turned to one of extreme melancholy. Her(?) seem to plead as she squints them slightly. Her face has a slight wince to it. She opens her mouth wider now and blood spills from it as well. Her chin is wet with blood as it has spilt down. It’s as if she is trying to talk but can’t.

You’re spending so much time and effort trying to be horrific that you aren’t doing the same in creating your story. (Being horrifically boring, maybe… Pleading, squinting, but blood running from an open mouth? Mr. Kroboth, if you could see your way to trying this one as well, we’d all be much obliged.)

    1. Close on Bones again. He holds his head in his hands and squeezes his eyes shut. He is sitting flat on his ass in the shallow grave now. His knees stick up. His head is tilted down. His thick blonde hair pushes its way through his fingers. A bit of a shadow falls over him as the light from the car’s headlights flows over the hole and doesn’t fully illuminate him in the hole. (This is honestly the worst panel description I’ve read in this script. You aren’t answering the simplest of questions, but you sure are concerning yourself with the little details.) (Basically, Steve is saying “This isn’t prose. Know your medium.”)

BONES: Fuck fuck what the fuck… (This is the third script I’ve edited here on TPG recently where a line of dialogue just suits my feeling at the time. This is no exception. I’m at the point where I can only say I’ve reached my limit of terrible storytelling.)

    1. Perspective from the other side of the whole (Really? Words mean something when they’re used correctly. This means using the correct spelling of the word you want. I’m tired, but we’re near the end, so I can stop soon.). Coming in from the direction that Fin previously walked away in. We see the scene. The car lights shine directly at us. The hole is illuminated, but we can barely see Bones down in it. His shovel sticks out of the whole. The one Fin was previously using lays next to the hole on the ground. Ghost Zoe is nowhere to be seen. She has vanished. Fin approaches the whole (Again?) from the foreground, but we don’t know it’s him. We can only make out a silhouette of his back as it takes up part of the left side of the panel. Like a stranger walking onto the scene.

I’m at a loss for words… almost. When I have trouble spending the time editing the last couple of panels, I know that in my mind, I’ve thrown my arms up in the air and called it a day. You not only didn’t grab my attention with this script, you almost literally kicked me out of it. Silent panels, terrible character interaction, no sense of real story development, and an overabundance of panel descriptions that do nothing to build the story and everything to control what your artist is drawing. I’m done.

Let’s run it down so we can move on to more important things.

Format: Flawless Victory. At least there’s that.

Panel Descriptions: They don’t do much to help the artist. Most of them approach prose. They help set the mood in your mind, but unless the artist is damned good and doing all the work themselves, then they won’t help much. Much more hindrance than help. Dave McKean wanted to know the feel of the story when he was doing Arkham Asylum. You can’t afford a Dave McKean. I’m not trying to suck the life out of your script, but I would like for you to get across what can be drawn. That isn’t happening here.

Pacing: Still needs work. You’ve listened and cut some things, but again, I don’t think there was much understanding as to why things were done. Doing without understanding is a downfall—especially considering there is an archive with over six years worth of scripts and notes and what have you. Think there are learning opportunities about pacing in there?

(And the hell of it is that I know of very few people who have read every single TPG in the archive in an attempt to get better. Most of those who submit are only concerned about their own script and how it does, not how they can learn from those who have gone before and make their work better.)

Dialogue: Almost totally ineffective. Characterization has been cut. The plot doesn’t move. People are just doing things. Yes, it’s only three pages, but what thing of interest happens in those pages? A ghost shows up. Does that make Bones Mr. Muir, then? (Kudos to anyone who gets the reference without having to look it up.) Where’s the snappy patter? Where’s the interesting talk? Where’s the things that move the script and keeps us turning pages? Where are the words the reader can see?

Desolate. That’s what this script is. Desolate, with hardly a word to be seen.

Content: Meh. As a reader, I’m even less interested than I was before. Not a good thing.

Editorially, this needs a rewrite. Still. Which is shameful, but necessary. Last time, I suggested a rewrite under supervision. That still holds true. Things were done, but learning didn’t happen. A rewrite under supervision may have learning happening because then questions could be asked.

And that’s it for this week! Check the calendar to see who’s next!

Like what you see? Steve and I are available for your editing needs. Steve can be reached here. You can email me directly from my info below.

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Category: Columns, The Proving Grounds

About the Author ()

Steven is an editor/writer with such credits as Fallen Justice, the award nominated The Standard, and Bullet Time under his belt, as well as work published by DC Comics. Between he and his wife, there are 10 kids (!), so there is a lot of creativity all around him. Steven is also the editor in chief and co-creator of ComixTribe, whose mission statement is Creators Helping Creators Make Better Comics. If you're looking for editing, contact him at [email protected] for rate inquiries.

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