pornolar porno seyret

TPG Week 200: Blast From The Past Resubmission

| October 24, 2014

TPGFeatured_08

Welcome back, one and all, to another installment of The Proving Grounds! This week, we have someone who’s on stranger to these parts. We welcome back Brave One Kyle Raios! We’ve got Liam Hayes in blue, I’m the sedate one in red, and we see what Kyle has done with

Element

Written and Created by Kyle Raios

Another font size of ten. At minimum, scripts should be in twelve point for readability. I’ve enlarged the text, which I hope will reduce the Whiskey debt I owe Steven. (Thanks, Liam. That’s one shot you no longer owe me…)

Chapter 1

Page 1

Full Page: We open with a frontal view of Atum. He stands on an oversized version of the Benben stone, (How big is it?) which here looks like the tip of an Egyptian pyramid protruding from the ground. 1 (For reference – this is an example. Don’t copy the glyphs, we’re not in the age of written word yet ). (In case they get cut, there are references in the footer of this script. Nice touch.) (Very nice. They only got cut because they showed up at the end of the post.) He stands on the top, his legs together and his toes pointed down balancing on the tip. The wind has kicked his hair back, waving wildly. His arms are outstretched, and his eyes are open, but staring upward, and glowing a dark purple (Punctuation.) In the background, the ground is an endless sea of the Egyptian desert. The sky swirls with the dark colors of chaos – black, purple, and the putrid green.

Caption: His name was Atum. His name was Oranos. His name was Osiris. His name was many. (“His names were many.” Otherwise he’s also called many.)

Caption: From chaos sprang life. Where there was nothing, he created.

Caption: And from the primeval mound, the very nature of existence shifted.

Caption (low placement, by the page turn): This is the story of gods, where gods do not exist.

Meh. I don’t really care for this as a first page. We’ve got a guy, whose name we don’t yet know, standing on a pyramid with some expository captions. And the caption are doing that vague mystical fantasy creation myth thing. It’s pretty cliché.

 

We’ve got P1 down already!

 

Like Liam, I’m not a fan, either.

 

What’s going on with this P1? Not much at all. It’s a splash page that is both unearned, and doesn’t do anything.

 

What do I mean by “unearned”? I mean that neither the reader nor the writer have done anything to warrant the page. The reader hasn’t done anything except open the book.

 

The writer hasn’t done anything for the story to earn this page. It’s lazy, especially when the page doesn’t really do all that much.

 

There’s no power here. No sense of gravitas, grandeur, or great moment. A guy standing on a rock. That’s all we get. This doesn’t warrant an entire page. Half a page at most. Another two or three panels need to be on this page.

Page 2

Panel 1: Landscape shot from a ridge overlooking a village alongside the Nile in Egypt. Our three gods (Atum/Oranos, Set/Kronos, Horus/Zeus) (Pick one name for them and stick to it. Anything else is confusing. Plus, you already named Atum. You can have several names for one character within the story, but not when identifying them for the artist.), backs to the camera, are overlooking the daily life scene from atop the ridge. It is mid day, and a time of harvest. Top left of the panel, vegetation along the Nile is green and lush, and the river is a blue reflecting the cloudless sky. We see the area teeming with life and agrarian work. No Pyramids or monumental structures of any kind – this is very ancient. (You’re kind of all over the place with this description. You start with the ridge, then the village, then go back to the ridge to place the characters, then go back to describing the village. Pick one direction and go with it. Front to back; characters, ridge, village, or, back to front; village, ridge, characters.)

Caption: Born in Kemet, in a fertile land fed by a fertile river, men created their gods. (Huh? Didn’t you say that Atum created everything? But now men are creating the gods? You’ve just gone and contradicted the creation myth you were setting up. You can do that between characters, as they may have different views or beliefs, but the narrator can’t contradict itself.)

Caption: There were three. Brothers, and a son.

Caption: Two immortals, and one endowed.

Panel 2: Low angle of the top of Mt. Olympus in Greece.2 Set/Kronos has his staff in his right hand, while both are raised up (think Saruman in the Fellowship trying to bring down the mountain from Orthanc)3 His cloak flaps in the wind, and the sky swirls in a lighter shade of the colors of chaos from page 1. The wind is heavy enough in the lower register of the panel to swirl leaves and rocks from below. (How zoomed are we on Set?)

Caption: Atum’s sole brother of many names. Set by his people, Kronos by others.

Caption: Like his brother, bred by chaos.

Caption: A sword without a hilt.

Panel 3: Long shot of a snowy landscape from the Ural Mountains in Russia. (No reference for such a specific place?) A thinner and longer panel, underneath the first two, stretching across the page. The sky is gray with a pinkish hue buried (like a snowy night with some already on the ground), and the ground is covered with snow as even more falls at a side angle from the gusts of wind. (It’s snowing. You don’t need to go into that much detail.) We see running in the middle of the panel towards the left Horus/Zeus, beard and hair (black, not yet white – though with obvious snow accumulation) flowing in the wind. (What? This line makes no sense. Who is running? What’s Horus/Zeus doing? Huh?) He is without clothes and smiling (Yes, he has to be naked. Exposure, on both accounts, matters not to him). (That bit in brackets in unnecessary.)

Caption: And a son. Horus by his father, Zeus to the world. (Yeah, I’m having trouble keeping up with all these characters are how they’re related.) (Michael Jackson. You Are Not Alone.)

Caption: A mortal endowed with the force of the elements.

Panel 4: This panel takes up the remainder of the page. A frontal view of Atum, his wife Gaea by his side, his left arm wrapped around her waist as she leans into him (Gaea’s youth, green dress and necklace of flowers embody her young look here). The background is the Giza plateau at night, complete with the pyramids.4

(What are these characters doing? Just staring at the camera? You’ve not placed or acted them very well)

Caption: Peace transcended violence. Order over chaos.

I’m not feeling the story. Not one bit. Firstly, you’re introducing characters and giving them different names and telling us how they’re related to each other and it’s confusing and I don’t care. (I am here with you.)

Secondly, where’s the conflict? Where’s a character I can latch onto? So far, this is just information you’re telling me and I couldn’t care about it. It’s exposition at its worst. I’m lying down while you’re just piling things onto me. Pick me up. Dust me off. Actively engage me.

Why should I care about this?

P2.

Know what I hate? I hate being bored. And right now, brothers and sisters, I’m bored.

Here’s what happened: Kyle thought this was interesting, so he started going hither and yon, with a little bit of droning. The problem: he thought wrong. He thought wrong a lot. Let me count the ways.

P1 has a guy standing on a rock in a desert. Fun, right?

P2 then has another two people looking over a cliff. Where did they come from? I have no idea. They just show up.

Then P2 has a heap of nondescript places. More fun, amiright? Why all the bouncing around? I don’t know.

Then there’s the dialogue.

Dialogue comes in three flavors, folks. You have the omniscient narrator, you have the internal monologue, and you have the voice-over. These do a couple of things. The first two give a “lean back” experience where you’re being told the story, and the latter gives something of a “lean in” experience, because it’s spoken dialogue. Spoken dialogue will always be in the “now,” and an omniscient narrator or an internal monologue could be taking place at any time. It doesn’t matter what the actual time is, spoken dialogue will always, always, always be “now.”

So, what’s happening now? Don’t know, because there’s no spoken dialogue to anchor it. All that happens is the jumping around to places that the reader won’t recognize, seeing characters that have no real anchor to their setting, doing nothing at all that we really care about.

I’m bored, and I’m not supposed to be.

Page 3

Panel 1: Medium shot, side view. A starry night. On a small hill in the mountains of Greece, we see a kneeling Hades (his helm needs to be on here) holding a small, flaming ball of chaos energy to a smiling and also kneeling Persephone. (More specificity needed here. What’s this chaos energy ball look like exactly? Just a fire ball? And how is Hades holding it to Persephone? Pushing it at her? Just holding it up? This needs more.)

Caption: As with all things, time continued on.

Caption: Three soon became many.

Panel 2: Atum/Osiris/Oranos (What? Now they have three names? Oi…) and Kronos/Set stand tall over an offering table at a temple in Abydos (I’ll figure the one). (Huh? What does that mean?) Atum looks grateful but uneasy, as Set is clearly enjoying the worship. (This needs more. What is actually going on in this panel? Who’s worshiping them? Are we inside the temple? I don’t know.)

Caption: Through the centuries, those deemed gods presided over the mortals.

Caption: Self-appointed, but not all self-aggrandizing.

Caption: Power and subjugation. Equally craved, and equally given.

(Blah blah blah. That’s all I’m hearing.)

Panel 3: Same temple, but night, light given only by the few torches. We see Atum has thrown an angry backhand across the face of Kronos/Set, which has sent him to his knees, (That’s two actions. You can show someone being hit and then show them on their knees having fallen to them. But being hit to his knees? It’s just going to look like he was on his knees the whole time.) blood and spit flying from his lips. (No expressions? Nope?)

Caption: Those who challenged – (Ellipses. This is a continuation not an interruption.)(And if it was an interruption, it would be a double-dash. You know better, Kyle.)

Panel 4: Same temple. Over the shoulder shot from Kronos. Atum has his back turned, and Kronos has thrust his spear through the lower back (and out the stomach). (Magically delicious spear!)

Caption: – were the ones to fall.

Panel 5: Long shot, encompassing most of the page. We see Kronos/Set standing in full armor, his brothers head upon his spear, as a wave of chaos energy rolls across the ground towards the camera. Above Kronos/Set hover the three Erinyes. To his left, heavily cloaked, stands Erebus, glowing faintly beneath his robes. (Where? Where is this?)

Caption: Contentment is not a virtue for the immortals.

Caption: And for those who sprang from chaos, order is difficult to find.

You’ve chosen the most boring and confusing way to tell us a story. We’re kept at a distance due to the omniscient narration, and we’re lost because you’re jumping all over the place. You’re just zipping to almost random locations and throwing up characters and information.

There’s no anchoring point. There’s no way into this story. I’m lost at sea in the violent storm that is your comic. And not in a good way.

And the narration is virtually meaningless. Vague, mystical, grandiose and empty.

Well, Liam said it all.

Guess it’s time for a story, since it may be the only interesting thing to happen in this piece.

I’ve loved comic books from the first time I was introduced to them. I was about 9. It was love at first sight. I saw the cartoons, but didn’t see their source material. The SuperFriends, Spider-Man, the Marvel Super Heroes shorts that were barely animated: Captain America, Iron Man, Thor, the Sub-Mariner… I loved them, but the comic books…I was on fire!

I was able to buy comics with my lunch money. Sometimes, my mother would come home with a comic or two from the store (spinner racks!), but most of the time, she’d take me to the only comic shop in town, The Incredible Pulp.

I loved that shop. I spent a decent amount of money in there. It helped me to build my collection. It wasn’t overly big, and it was way before the collectible card games. Basically, it was pure comics. I loved it.

I also got two of my cousins into collecting. One was my cousin David, whom I never liked, and the other was Jamel, who was like my brother as we grew up. David is on my mother’s side of the family, and Jamel on my father’s.

Jamel had managed to gather a collection of a few hundred comics. It nearly rivaled mine. His favorite character was Thor. David didn’t have as big of a collection. Just a couple hundred.

Time passes. We’re teenagers, and I’m loving my comic books still. And then something happens that made me cry.

For Christmas, my cousins gave me their comics. Both of them, the same year.

Understand that David was annoying as all hell. Almost a year younger than I, wanting to be cool, always overdoing it…annoying. I couldn’t stand him. Jamel, on the other hand, was a year older than myself, and he was cool and confident and well liked by all. I wanted to be like him. (I come from a large family on both sides. On my mother’s side, I’m the second oldest cousin. On my father’s side, I have no idea where I’m at. I’m somewhere near the middle.) While they know each other, the two sides of my family don’t mix much. Basically, they mixed at my house. I say all of that in order to say that I don’t think they orchestrated it.

Christmas day was spent doing three things.

The first thing was, of course, the immediate family. I’d get up and open presents, play for a while, and then get ready.

The second thing we do is we go to my father’s mother’s place. That’s where his side of the family gathered. They were generally church-folk, so we didn’t stay long. An hour. Exchange gifts, say hi to everyone, and then we were on to the third thing.

The third thing was going to my mother’s mother’s place. My mother’s side weren’t church folk. Drinking and smoking. Card playing. We spent most of our time with my mother’s side.

I don’t quite remember if we went to Jamel’s house first or if he gave me the large, heavy box at our grandmother’s place, but when I opened the box, I was astounded. The only things he kept were a few Thor comics.

When we got to my mother’s mother’s place, I got another heavy box from David. I opened that one, and I did cry. It meant a lot to me. I actually hugged him, and meant it.

That was one of the best Christmas days of my youth.

That’s more interesting than what’s going on here.

Page 4

Panel 1: Aerial shot of Kronos and Zeus doing battle on the plain of Thessaly in Greece (reference picture here). (There’s no link here.) We see Zeus in the “earthed up” form (I presume you’ve described what that is in another document.), looking severely worn – the cracks on his rock body are numerous, and the glow of his veins is dim. He is sending a wave of fire toward Kronos. Kronos’ armor is battered, torn at the knees, and broken at the chest. His cloak is tattered, the remaining pieces shifting in the wind (What is it with the wind fascination? This is stuff the artist will likely put in at their discretion) (Shifting in the wind? That can’t be drawn in a meaningful way.). In response, Kronos is sending a beam of Chaos energy at Zeus. (What’s the beam hitting? Is it just suspended in mid-air? That’s going to look odd.) On the ground, far below, we see indistinct hordes battling. (You have to give the artist some idea of what to draw, even if it is obscured. A vague inkling will do.)

Caption: Titanomachy, “The Great Titan War,” was not a battle between Zeus and Kronos over the right to rule.

Caption: Titanomachy (Repetition.) was a war of necessity, of attrition, and of power. Titanomachy was a war of chaos.

Panel 2: Side shot with Zeus and Kronos now. The sky swirls in the colors of chaos in the background. (That information should be in panel one.) Lightning and fire erupting from Zeus’ hands clash with a burst of chaos energy between the two combatants. (What happened to the beam and the fire wave? Even actions means nothing in this story.)

Caption: For ten years, their savagery tore through humanity.

Panel 3: Long shot from ground. In the right background we see a volcanic eruption spewing forth molten rock and ash far into the sky. The citizens, Minoan peoples, flee in terror toward the camera. (From where? Are we in a town or village? A city? I don’t know.) This is the “Santorini” eruption that effectively ended Minoan civilization during the Bronze Age.

Caption: When the heavens rage with the battle of gods – (Ellipses.)

Panel 4: A river of rock, ash and lava burns through the heart of the village, lighting the area ablaze. (Nope. That’s too vague. Where did the people go?)

Caption: – only Hell remains.

 

More of the same. This is just telling us stuff. I could read a book on mythology and get the same information and without the pretense of a story and the confusion.

 

Okay. P4, and really, this is crap. You were waiting for it. It’s official. Feel better now?

 

Here’s something that Kyle doesn’t understand. It’s a trap, and I don’t want anyone else to fall into it. Ready?

 

No one cares about what you care about unless you make them.

 

Kyle loves history and mythology. That’s evident in this script. However, none of the information that a reader would need comes through in any of these pages.

 

Where are we? When are we? How is the reader supposed to know any of this?

 

If you take out all of the panel descriptions and just read the text, you’ll see that none of that information is present. Not that it matters much anyway, because none of the actions have a hook to make you keep reading. It’s a long setup, and it’s dry, fast read. There’s not much to keep the reader on the page, and nothing to keep the reader moving forward through the story.

 

Just because they’re fighting doesn’t mean there’s actual conflict. Just because you’ve popped all over the world doesn’t mean it’s interesting or making any sense.

 

So far, these pages can be cut in their entirety. They aren’t doing anything at all right now. You might as well have said “In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.” That’s a better opening.

 

I told a Christmas story during the Halloween season. (I don’t have a semi-decent Halloween story.) Even though you had no idea where it was going, that story was more interesting than everything here.

 

 

Page 5

Panel 1: Low angle. From behind Zeus, we see him on the ground, with a battered and bloody but smiling Kronos standing over him, his spear in hand. (How did he get here? And where is this? This is just disconnected things happening. Oh, and expressions?)

Kronos: < You were an abomination. Your fathers folly. >* (Finally! Some spoken lines!) (See? Even Liam was waiting for it. And what happened to the apostrophe?)

Kronos: < A man who makes pretend he is a god. >

Kronos: < Where there were two, now stand one. To wash away his filth. > (Not enough to make me want to puke, but definitely feeling queasy in reading this.)

Editors Note: Translated from Ancient Egyptian (This should be a caption.)

Panel 2: Over the shoulder of Kronos, who has thrust his spear towards Zeus, who has barely caught the end in his hands, which, though in rock form, bleed. He is clearly struggling to hold back the blow. (While the action can be drawn, the initial sense of it cannot. “Barely” is not something that can be drawn in this context. )

Kronos: < You are nature in the form of man? >

Kronos: < I am creation incarnate.>

Kronos: <I am GOD. > (Underline god if you want it emphasized. Capitalization will most likely get lost in the lettering process.) (Anachronism? Can there be the concept of a single god in this timeframe? Aren’t they both gods? Know what? It doesn’t matter. It stopped making sense as soon as you contradicted yourself from P1 to P2.)

Panel 3: Long shot, figures in silhouette. Lightning cracks down from the sky, as a dozen bright bolts hit directly on the form of Kronos. (And he doesn’t react, apparently.)

 

(No dialogue? Not even an ‘ouch’ from the lightning?)(That would be funny!)

Panel 4: Same shot, but no longer silhouette. Zeus, still on the ground, has shoved the spear back through Kronos’ stomach, sending a splatter of blood back into the air. (Again. Lightning and spears bothers Kronos not. Zeus isn’t too enthralled by the events either.)

Zeus: < You’re no god of mine. >

Panel 5: Low angle from Kronos’ POV, as Zeus stands over him, weary and nearly broken. Lightning flashes above. (No expressions? No dialogue? Nothing? What’s the point of this panel?)

Finally, we managed to stay in a scene for longer than two panels. And we got some actual dialogue to boot! It’s a shame that everyone has put the book down by now. If you want somewhere to start without all the random meandering at the beginning, this is probably it.

 

P5, and Liam has stolen my thunder!

 

Just to reiterate: we finally have dialogue. We’re finally in the “now.” However, it is a case of too little and way too late. This book is back on the shelf, unbought. The things that were said? Faux-flict. Not conflict at all, although it’s trying.

 

No idea why these people are fighting. There’s no source. If I came up and punched some random person in the face, we’d start fighting. People would watch, but they wouldn’t understand the fight. After the fight is broken up, someone would ask me why I punched that person. My answer would be the source of the conflict. (Let’s just hope it makes sense.)

 

I don’t care why they’re fighting. I barely know who they are, and since I barely know, I don’t care. And since there’s no real setup for anything, I really don’t care.

 

Faux-flict. It’s what’s for breakfast.

Page 6 – Three stacked panels of equal size

Panel 1: We see a sprawling ancient North American landscape, specifically a very ancient Chesapeake Bay (I’ll provide a reference picture of what it may have looked like around 1500 BCE).(Time of day?)

Caption: Deep in the recesses of the ancient world, he was buried…chained…

Caption: …forgotten.

Panel 2: We see the silhouette of a female figure (Athena/Thoth) stepping into a swirling ball of chaos energy deep in the mountains of Greece. (What? This needs more. I don’t know where this is or what’s happening.)(It’s okay. No one does.)

Caption: For some, immortality is its own form of imprisonment.

Caption: A prize, turned poison.

Caption: Death, a reward.

Panel 3: Low angle, focused side view shot of Kronos rearing from the right of a stone table, (After much thought I realized that Kronos must be chained to a table. That’s the only way I can make sense of what you put. I still have no idea how one rears when chained to a table.) pulling on his chains, snapping two small links into the air. He is bloody, bearded and still in the tatters of his armor, the spear still through his stomach, and into the table.

 

(This whole description needs a rewrite. I get what you’re going for, but it’s explained incredibly poorly.)

Caption: For others, it is never tainted.

Caption: A gift won, to be guarded.

Caption: The time has come.

More boring exposition. This is told like you’re trying to tell a vast epic but in the space of a short story without cutting anything out. Strangely, this is a graphic novel; you have the time and space to pad this out a bit. And you don’t have to tell the reader everything about everything in the first three pages.(No, but you have to be interesting, and this is anything but.)

 

My Grandma Gerry, my mother’s mother, was not good with turkey. It was almost always very dry. The stuffing was always delicious, but the meat was often overcooked.

 

This dialogue is overcooked. So far, every word of copy has been overworked, not doing the job you need it to do. Aside from being boring, which it is, it also makes me cringe. You’re working too hard to reach for scale, and it’s showing.

 

It needs to be ripped out and you need to start again.

Page 7

Panel 1: Match cut from previous panel of previous page tosee Joe Travis rear in the same manner as Kronos, as lightning flashes to the left side of the room. (There’s lightning in his room? Okay, I’m being pedantic here, but you get my point. Things like this can be construed improperly.) He is sitting on the floor, up against the (camera) left side of his bed.. The bed is positioned perpendicular to the wall. To the left of the room, further back than Joe, is a two tiered wooden desk, on which several books are scattered next to a closed laptop. In front of Joe (left side of panel) is a medium sized window, from where the lightning illuminates the room. (Oh, you did describe the window the lightning came from, but you did it after describing something else? Why? Zipping back and forth only leads to confusion. Just like what you’re doing in the story proper.)

Panel 2: Medium shot on Joe, rubbing his eyes with the pinching of his fingers. Lightning flashes again from the left window, illuminating the room. (We have no context to this room not being illuminated by lightning, so it isn’t going to come across that way.) Beside him is a half empty 12 pack of canned soda, and several crumpled bags of chips.

Joe: Guess junk food really does give you nightmares…

Joe: Ugh…I’m done with the comic books. That was crazy. (That line. That whole line. Please delete it.)

Panel 3: Low frontal angle. His right hand is pushing his hair back, and his eyes are wide in an attempt to wake himself up, as he looks at his left hand where he holds his cell-phone. (Where did the phone come from?)

Joe: Ah man.

Panel 4: Side view shot. Joe stands, his eyes narrowed as he looks out at the storm, still trying to fully regain consciousness. He has pressed the cell-phone to his left ear.

Joe: You still there, Beth?

Bethany (phone): That is an uncanny ability you have there (I’d put the comma here and a stop after Joseph.) Joseph, falling asleep anywhere.

Joe: ‘Tis a gift, really. (The last thing said in the dialogue should reflect the panel description. Does this reflect?)

Panel 5: Focus on the scene outside of the window, Joe off-panel. A single bolt of lightning is seen crashing in the distance, beyond the view of Joe’s neighborhood, and the rain is pounding heavy. The lone tree of the yard is bent low by the force of wind and water. (Are we looking through the window, or are we actually outside?)

Joe (off-panel): It’s like Titanomachy out there.

Bethany (off-panel phone): I love it when you reference mythological wars of gods and titans (On the nose there. Cut “of gods and titans.” Perhaps even “wars” and just say “mythology stuff”.) at two in the morning.

And stop. This is not a good way to tell a story. Not at all. Back-story delivered to us via exposition while in a dream. It’s like you were trying to fulfill a cliché quota. I could’ve been interested, maybe, if you plonked us into the fight between Zeus and Kronos. (I don’t know if I’ve named them correctly. They could’ve been anybody with the amount of names you were throwing around.) As this is, it’s incredibly boring and confusing. And that’s coming from someone who loves and reads mythology.

There’s no two ways about this. It needs a rewrite. A good clean purge. Grounds us in an actual scene with things that actually happen, instead of just dumping information all over us like some mad garbage truck driver. You can even keep all this information, as long as you present it organically. Through dialogue would be your best bet. You have the space to do it. This isn’t a short story. (Although I’d argue that you could still do it in a short story if you tried hard enough.) Cut all the exposition, drip feed us the backstory and get us onto a character. Then you might just have a story on your hands.

Additionally, try to think visually when writing your panel descriptions. Many had missing information, were impossible to draw, or just explained very poorly. See the panel in your head. See if it works. Describe what you see.

 

Liam has stopped, so that means I can, too! Let’s run this down!

 

Oh, before that, read this. Kyle had submitted a version of this story before, and I don’t think he did well then, either. Actually, this may be worse.

 

Actually, I just reviewed. This is worse. Nothing was learned. The person in blue was Yannick, and I was in red, as usual. Disappointing that nothing was learned.

 

Anyway, let’s run this down now.

 

Format: Flawless Victory!

 

Panel Descriptions: As messy as last time. That’s a shame, really. Nothing was listened to. Panel descriptions that are ineffective, some of them moving, some of them very thin, some of them undrawable.

Pacing: Different from the last, but still the same, in that there is a distinct sense of padding and loss. Last time, I picked out four panels that could have made up P1 and kept it moving. This time, I didn’t do that. Really, there isn’t a panel in the first few pages that I would save.

This is supposed to be the start of a graphic novel, and as such, you have time to ease a reader into a story. However, you still need to be interesting, even as you’re easing. This isn’t interesting. This is death.

Dialogue: Like last time, this is a lot of mind-numbing fluff. Some of it is unchanged from the first iteration. Nothing learned.

Content: As a reader, I’d be lost, and wonder how this got through to me. I’d be pissed.

Editorially, just like last time, this needs a rewrite. However, seeing as how it needed a rewrite last time and it wasn’t done then, I’m wondering at just how much direction Kyle would take on this. Which is a shame, really.

And that’s it for this week! Check the calendar to see who’s next!

 

Like what you see? Sam, Liam and I are available for your editing needs. You can email Sam here and Liam here. My info is below.

 

Click here to make comments in the forum!

Related Posts:

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

Category: Columns, The Proving Grounds

About the Author ()

Steven is an editor/writer with such credits as Fallen Justice, the award nominated The Standard, and Bullet Time under his belt, as well as work published by DC Comics. Between he and his wife, there are 10 kids (!), so there is a lot of creativity all around him. Steven is also the editor in chief and co-creator of ComixTribe, whose mission statement is Creators Helping Creators Make Better Comics. If you're looking for editing, contact him at stevedforbes@gmail.com for rate inquiries.

Comments are closed.

pornolar brazzers sex hikayeleri porno filmleri mobil porno mobil porno hd porno porno video antalya escort sikis
zzz