pornolar porno seyret

TPG Week 84: Getting Lost Is Never Fun (Reformatted!)

| August 3, 2012

So, here we are again, back in The Proving Grounds! This week, we have a returning Brave One in Sam Roads. There are no blue notes. Steve Colle had some things to take care of, so you’re stuck with me and the red font of doom! Let’s see what Sam brings us in


 


Out of Sight, Out of Mind


 


Page 1


 


Panel 1 Wide, aerial shot of British city street in a


commercial area. It’s run down, with decaying factories


and storage sheds. A few cars are parked on the left. On


the right a brick railway bridge crosses the road. Speech


comes from the central car on the left. If the angle


permits, we can see the silhouette of Griffiths inside. A


big brick wall runs across the far side of the road, upon


which is the title of the story, in white paint: “Out of


Sight, Out of Mind”. (Okay, Sam. Since you went out of the way to say this is a British city street, care to tell the readers where they’re at? And what kind of car is it that’s on the left? Are you going to be specific, or are you going to leave it up to the artist? So, we have part of a Where, we’ll be getting to a Who, but we don’t have a When. I have no idea what time of day this is.)


 


BOSS (OP, RADIO)


DETECTIVE GRIFFITHS, YOU’RE FIFTEEN


DAYS BEHIND ON YOUR PAPERWORK.Â


 


BOSS (OP,RADIO


IF YOU’RE STILL WORKING THOSE DAMN


HOMLESS ABDUCTIONS, I’LL HAVE YOUR


BADGE!


 


Panel 2 Medium. POV is the back of the car. Griffiths is


on the right, in the front seat. She stares, with narrowed


eyes, across to left, 100 metres distant, where we can see


a cardboard city under the railway arch – some half dozen


homeless people. She holds a mobile phone up to her right


ear. The car is littered with fast food empties. (Oh my word. Okay. If the POV is the back of the car…we can’t see her. We’re seeing whatever the back of the car is seeing, and most things can’t see inside themselves. But, if you mean that this is supposed to be a view from the back seat of the car, that’s totally different. We can see her, but we can’t see her in profile (which is what you’re asking for) without her physically turning to the side. What about the headrest? There’s a headrest in there, right? That’s also going to obscure the view. This is a bad angle to get the first good look at your hero.)


 


GRIFFITHS


LOUD AND CLEAR, BOSS.


 


GRIFFITHS


GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN NANNY


TRAMPS WHO’VE WATCHED TOO MUCH X


FILES.


 


Panel 3 Medium, profile on Griffiths. Her eyes are wide,


looking at the railway arch. She is opening the door on


the other side of her and shaping to get out of the car in


a hurry. Panel 5 should be where her eyeline points to. (Moving panel. What’s the still image here?)


 


GRIFFITHS


BLOODY HELL!


 


Panel 4 Wide, POV is above and behind Griffiths as she


sprints towards the railway arch. She’s in a big damn


heroic running pose, really going for it. In the


background, distant, a dozen alien figures are escorting


the homeless towards a supernatural glowing portal which


has appeared in the wall behind them. Whatever you want to


draw as long as it looks like it goes somewhere. The


portal’s light should give the scene some cool shadows. (I hate the misuse of the word “supernatural.” Supernatural means magic. Aliens mean science. More than likely, super-science. Can aliens mean magic? Sure, but we usually call those angels and demons. Okay, rant over. It’s panel 4, and we still haven’t gotten a good look at our hero. Is that intentional?)


 


GRIFFITHS


OI! YOU ALIENS! STOP NICKING OUR


NUTTERS!Â


 


GRIFFITHS


THAT’S OUR JOB.


 


Panel 5 Wide, from the POV at the top of the arch, looking


diagonally down on Griffiths stood in the middle of the


cardboard city. There are no people here. The glowing


portal remains, but has shrunk (and ideally draw it


shrinking, if you can). Griffiths looks at the portal,


bottom jaw to one side, biting her bottom lip, brows


furrowed in indecision. She holds her body in a position


of action, arms raised a little. (Position of action? As in ready to do what? This means nothing. Here would be a nice use of reference, as well as the cardboard city.)


 


GRIFFITHS


GLOWY THING LEADING TO CERTAIN


DEATH…


 


GRIFFITHS


…OR HOME WATCHING ENGLAND TRYING


TO QUALIFY FOR THE WORLD CUP.


 


GRIFFITHS


TOUGH CHOICE.


 


Panel 6 Close, profile of Griffiths back leg. The rest of


her has gone through the still smaller portal. The portal


is on the right, drawing us over the page.


 


So, we have P1 down, and let’s see what we have.


 


We have a heroine whom we do not have a good look at. We also have a partial establishing shot, not to mention a panel that can’t be drawn (or, it could, but it isn’t the view you really want).


 


Why are you burying your lead, Sam? Why have a character whom we don’t have a good view of? I’m not seeing the reason for it. I mean, I could understand if it was supposed to be a mystery, or a mysterious character, but it isn’t. She’s a cop of some sort. There’s no call not to give her a good view. I wouldn’t be surprised if your artist decided to add in a full panel view of the lady, both for story clarity and for pacing.


 


Page 2 Panel 1 spreads across both pages. All the other


panels on page 2 and page 3 are inset. (I’m not going to hit you on the page break. It might have been in the original, and I know I asked you to send it in a different format. So, benefit of the doubt there. What I’m also liking is the placement of the double-page spread. Even-odd. Great! Let’s see what you do with it.)


 


Panel 1 Big panel. Wide, helicopter shot of The Community,


a futuristic city. It has elements of a modern city, such


as tower blocks and streets. But it’s been designed so


that there are gardens strewn up and down the buildings.


The scale of the city is bigger than we can manage, with


300 storey, beautiful spire-like skyscrapers. There are


two strange objects in the sky, shooting towards the city.


The nearest is close enough to us that we can see it is


some horrible ether alien rolled up in a ball.


Ref: http://28.media.tumblr.com/DAS9f5yCxmezqq1jmYCoF3NOo1


_500.jpg and


 http://www.architecturelist.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/0


2/school-of-art-nanyang-singa.jpg


and http://www.theartwolf.com/architecture/images/skyscrap


er_chicago.jpg


and http://graphics8.nytimes.com/images/2008/06/15/busines


s/15sqft.xlarge1.jpg


 


Panel 2 Close on Griffiths, shocked and awed.


 


GRIFFITHS


I’M GOING TO NEED A BIGGER BOAT.


 


Panel 3 Close on Griffiths from beside and behind her. She


has seen the abductees and cloaked figures in the


background. She, on the left of the shot, is pointing her


right hand at them, furious. The scene is a beautiful city


street, exactly the same dimensions as Page 1, panel 1.


She is under a maglev overpass. The group of robed folks


and homeless, on the right, is getting into a big,


vehicle, about the size of a bus. Sleek, beautiful lines,


weird


wheels. http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_fw8OLLtyI4Q/S8GZKs8ZFvI/


AAAAAAAAASs/TIyFHml8oSo/s1600/Mazda-KAAN-E1-future-car.jpg


 


GRIFFITHS


BRING BACK THOSE TRAMPS!


 


Panel 4 Medium. Griffiths is recoiling from one of the


rolled alien things which has crunched down into the


street in front of her, cracking the surface, somewhat


flowed into the ground, semi-dematerialised. She looks


startled.


 


Page 3


 


Panel 1 Medium on the alien from Griffiths’ POV, unfurling


itself, jaws opening, threatening and scary.


 


ALIEN SFX:


HHHHHHHhhhhhaaaaachhhh


 


Panel 2 Medium on Griffiths from the alien’s point of


view. Her left sleeve is rolled up and she is shoving up


the other sleeve. She looks alarmed, but brave, sneering a


little.


 


GRIFFITHS


YOU DON’T SCARE ME. I WAS BROUGHT


UP IN TOTTENHAM.


 


Panel 3 Small. Inset into panel 2. Close on Griffiths


mouth. (I think you just forgot yourself, Sam. Remember that P2 and P3 is a double-page spread, and you said that all of these panels are going to be inset to that. Now, you want to have an inset of an inset? I don’t think that’s going to work.)


 


GRIFFITHS


AND I SUPPORT ARSENAL.


 


Panel 4 Wide, profile. Alien leaps at Griffiths, she falls


backwards, desperately avoiding it. (Yup. You definitely forgot what you were doing. Getting lost in your own script is not something I recommend.)


 


Panel 5 Close, Griffiths’ POV. Alien runs through her leg,


flowing through her, blood spraying. The alien is somewhat


incorporeal. Griffiths is failing to grab hold of it, her


hands passing through it. (I can’t see this in my head.)


 


GRIFFITHS


AAAAGH!


 


Panel 6 Wide on the alien, on the left, circling, smeared


with blood. Griffiths face is on the right, close. She


twists her head to look desperately to the right of the


page. She is panicky and sweating. (This will more than likely be a moving panel. It’s the “circling.” That’s not something you’re going to be able to show in one panel.)


 


 


 


GRIFFITHS


HELP!


 


So, we have P2-3 down, and while I like the ambition, the execution is leaving a lot to be desired. And it’s all the fault of P3.


 


P2 I have no real problems with. Using a DPS to show the scope of the city is a great idea. I like the idea of the insets. The only thing wrong with them is that there are too many on P3. You have enough to make up a whole page, which totally destroys the DPS.

 

 


I like the ambition. I like that you reached for it. Just remember where you are and what you’re doing. Then this page wouldn’t have failed.


Page 4


 


Panel 1 Iconic shot. Wide, from Griffiths POV at floor


height. George approaches, flanked by two of the


Community. The sun is behind him, giving him an aura of


light and radiance, although he looks scared – it’s a


contradiction. He is hovering a few feet off the ground,


drifting towards the scene. The Community are timid, half


staying behind his protection. In the background is the


city, with some of the alien balls flying through the air. (Okay. I’m not going to shoot you. You’re making me want to, but I’m not going to. I’m putting the bazooka away. We’re going to have a conversation, instead.


 


What are we going to talk about? We’re going to talk about terminology. The biggest thing is what you keep saying over and over (and over) again: POV. Point of view. I’m tired of seeing it. You use it seven or eight times. Learn a different shot. Learn different terminology. I want you to do what you did for the DPS: stretch.


 


As for this panel, I’m not liking it. Know what it’s going to do? It’s going to give the colorist a reason for a lens flare. I absolutely hate lens flares. Hate them. They are overused.


 


As for the contradiction you’re going for, I don’t think that the audience is going to get it. You can go for it, there’s nothing stopping you, but I think the effort is going to be wasted. Why try to go artsy now, anyway?


 


 


GEORGE


I’M SO SORRY! I’M SO SORRY!


 


Panel 2 Wide profile. Furthest left are the two Community,


 cowering behind George. He looks frightened, gnawing on a


balled up fist, wincing and only looking with one eye at


the alien, in the middle. The alien has undergone shear


stress, as if cut into thirds, with the top third going


left and the bottom third going right. Griffiths is on the


right, on her backside, holding her wounded leg and


looking at this scene in fear. Waves of psychic forces


flow from George towards the ether alien.


 


GEORGE


OH! OH! OH!


 


Panel 3 Medium on Griffiths from George’s POV. His hand


extends forwards into our view, pointing at her. Waves of


psychic force flow from George towards her. She remains on


the floor, looking at her leg, stunned, smiling. Three


dozen beautiful butterflies are flocked on her leg.


 


GRIFFITHS


DAMN, THAT FEELS BETTER! WHAT DID


YOU DO?


 


GEORGE


I FIXED IT. ARE YOU MAD?


 


Panel 4 Medium. 3/4 angle on Griffiths, left just standing


up, looking at George, right. Griffiths looks angry and


confused. George looks frightened, hunching his shoulders,


bringing up his arms defensively.


 


GRIFFITHS


MAD? I’M ABSOLUTELY LIVID!


 


GRIFFITHS


WHAT WAS THAT THING? WHERE IS THIS


PLACE? WHO ARE THEY?Â


 


Panel 5 Close on Griffiths, yelling.


 


GRIFFITHS


WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!


 


I could be asking that same question.


 


Going with the idea that this is the page after a DPS, this doesn’t come off too well. That’s first.


 


Second, you introduced a few new characters. The Community can be gotten to later. George, however, should be introduced. You also had the perfect opportunity to use his name in a place where the audience can see it. It was wasted.


 


You also used the word “mad.” I thought those in the UK used the word “mad” in its proper usage: crazy. In the US, we say “mad” incorrectly, mistaking it for anger. That kinda jumped out at me.

 

 


If this page were properly set up, then it would work. See what happens when you lose your place? You messed up things down the line.


 


Page 5


 


Panel 1 Wide. Griffiths is on the left. Community 1 is


stood beside her, putting a kind hand on her shoulder and


addressing her. Griffiths is turned to listen to it. On


the right, George has huddled into a foetal ball and


Community 2 is crouched down beside him, stroking his


head. In the distance, a few other Communities are


tentatively looking/approaching.


 


COMMUNITY 1


PLEASE, HUMAN FRIEND, DON’T SHOUT


AT HIM. HE’S GOT A SEVERE ANXIETY


DISORDER.


 


Panel 2 Close on Griffiths. She looks totally


incomprehending.


 


GRIFFITHS


YOU WHAT?!


 


Panel 3 Wide. Community 1 is pointing at the City, his


head is left and close, his arm stretches out towards the


scene. On a distant walkway we can see a group of


Community running from an ether parasite being fought by a


human in robes and a helmet. Waves of psychic force come


from human towards ether alien.


 


COMMUNITY 1


THIS CITY IS CALLED The Community.


WE’RE UNDER CONSTANT ATTACK FROM


THESE ETHER PARASITES.


 


COMMUNITY


PHYSICAL THREATS AMUSE THEM, ONLY


PSYCHIC ATTACKS CAN DAMAGE THEM.


 


Panel 4 Medium on George, sat up, with his arms wrapped


around his knees. Community 2 is stroking his head. Two


smaller Community vehicles have pulled up, covered in


incomprehensible markings. Other Community are


approaching. They are presumably Community emergency


services of some kind, but its all a bit alien and hard to


work out.


 


COMMUNITY 1 (OP)


CENTURIES AGO WE CURED OURSELVES OF


PHYSICAL AND MENTAL ILLNESSES. BUT


WITH OUR ids PURGED OF MONSTERS, WE


HAD NO MENTAL AMMUNITION TO FIGHT


THE ETHER PARASITES. (Comma-fail, first sentence.)


 


Panel 5 Medium, profile on Community 1 and Griffiths. They


are close to each other, but each is staring into the


distance.


 


COMMUNITY 1


YOUR WORLD OVERFLOWS WITH THE


MENTALLY UNWELL. NONE WE BRING HERE


EVER ASK TO GO BACK.


 


COMMUNITY


WE CARE FOR THEM IN The Community.


 


Panel 6 Close on Griffiths, looking down thoughtfully.


 


GRIFFITHS


I THOUGHT YOU BROUGHT THEM HERE TO


MAKE THEM YOUR SLAVES.


 


Panel 7 Low angle, beside Griffiths as she looks up at the


radiant city surrounding them, hands outstretched, palms


upwards. In the distance we can now see that the gathering


Community are actually crowded around George,


respectfully. In the foreground of the crowd an adult is


bending down to talk to a wide eyed juvenile, pointing at


George.


 


GRIFFITHS


BUT YOU MAKE THEM YOUR HEROES. (Whoa! That’s quite a jump, with nothing to back it up!)

 

 


 


Okay, this is all I was sent, so let’s just run it down, shall we?


 


Format: I’m giving you the benefit of the doubt. Flawless Victory. Just take it and run, Forrest, run!


 


Panel Descriptions: These were pretty good for the most part. Just choose different camera angles besides your point of view shots. See what it got you on P1? And watch for moving panels. Remember, static images.


 


Pacing: You screwed the pooch with that double-page spread. If you hadn’t forgotten where you were and what you were doing, I’d have said the pacing is good. However, with that one mishap, you screwed yourself.


 


Well, that’s not the only place. That last line of dialogue just comes out of nowhere. We’ll talk about that next.


 


Dialogue: Methinks you’re trying too hard, Sam. You’re trying too hard to make her witty and fearless and calm in the face o the unknown. She reminds me of Spider-Man a bit. That’s not a good thing. While you can be witty, you took it to another level.


 


And that last line? Totally comes out of left field. There’s no workup to it at all. One minute she’s witty, the next, she’s talking about heroes. It doesn’t flow.


 


Content: Meh. As a reader, I wouldn’t be coming back for more.


 


Editorially, this needs a rewrite. From soup to nuts. Can’t much more clearer than that.


 


And that’s all there is this week. Check the calendar to see who’s next

Click here to make a comment in the forum!

Related Posts:

Tags: ,

Category: Columns, The Proving Grounds

About the Author ()

Steven is an editor/writer with such credits as Fallen Justice, the award nominated The Standard, and Bullet Time under his belt, as well as work published by DC Comics. Between he and his wife, there are 10 kids (!), so there is a lot of creativity all around him. Steven is also the editor in chief and co-creator of ComixTribe, whose mission statement is Creators Helping Creators Make Better Comics. If you're looking for editing, contact him at stevedforbes@gmail.com for rate inquiries.

Comments are closed.

pornolar brazzers sex hikayeleri porno filmleri mobil porno mobil porno hd porno porno video antalya escort sikis
zzz