Comments on: TPG Week 46: Choices Between A Twist & What You Really Want

By: Conner MacDonald

Conner MacDonald — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 21:22:53 +0000

Panel 1. Medium shot of Harry flicking on a light switch in the hall. No longer cast into shadow, Harry comes across as friendlier. But with his unsettlingly wide eyes and big grin, he perhaps comes across as a little too friendly. (Okay. Let’s see… Let’s see… Connor! What’s wrong here?)

HARRY: LET’S GET SOME LIGHTS ON IN HERE. WE DON’T WANT IT LOOKING LIKE A HAUNTED HORROR HOUSE, DO WE?

HARRY: AT LEAST, NOT UNTIL WE GET YOU INSIDE. BWAHAHAHAHA!

(Is it the fact that Tom is already in the house? So Harry saying, “Don’t want it looking like a haunted Horror House do we? At least, not until we get you inside.” doesn’t make sense. Because he’s turning on the lights to make the house seem less like a haunted house, when Tom comes in. But he say’s he wants the house to seem more like a haunted house when he is inside… I dont think I got this, damn. Freaking bombing.)

By: Steven Forbes

Steven Forbes — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 20:59:37 +0000

It’s staring you right in the face.

John does something here that he doesn’t usually do.

His panel description doesn’t match the dialogue.

Take a look and see.

By: Conner MacDonald

Conner MacDonald — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 20:51:19 +0000

Ok. Lets see if I got this now. Does it have something do with the laughter? “BWAHAHAHA!” Is very powerful, menacing laugh. But Harry’s expression, though creepy, is more subtle . So maybe instead of a “BWAHAHAHA!” it should be a, “Hehehe.”

By: John Lees

John Lees — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 15:31:54 +0000

Sorry, I never got round to replying to this! Once again, thanks for the edit, Steve. It gives me a couple of things I can tighten up on to get the script that little bit stronger. As regards the line “Well, come on in!” on page 1 being unnecessary, I was aware of it potentially coming across as redundant, but hopefully the vampiric twist at the end made it clear it was necessary.

In terms of horror VS twist, I’d admit I’d probably choose “twist”. It was the last page I came up with first, then built the rest of the story around that. That’s probably why it feels a little padded in the early pages. You mentioned The Twilight Zone, and that was definitely an inspiration. In particular, I was thinking of that “Hey, wanna see something REALLY scary?” skit from the movie. And with that, it was more about a sudden sting out of nowhere than a steady build in dread that created an effective scare.

That sucks you’re running low on scripts, Steve. I can petition my fellow GLoWers to send stuff in. And I have another piece, also for the horror anthology, but it’s just a 1-pager, so I don’t know if it’s worthwhile sending in.

By: Steven Forbes

Steven Forbes — Fri, 18 Nov 2011 06:02:46 +0000

Girlfriend? GIRLFRIEND?!

Okay. I’ll let it slide. This time.

And it was something of a trick question. Look again at the passage. Dip into the dialogue.

See? I’m all about second chances today.

By: Conner MacDonald

Conner MacDonald — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 03:24:27 +0000

Is it that, for him to have been shrouded in a shadow, there must have been some kind of light source immediately in the house?/Wouldn’t the light, shinning on Tom, also show Harry?

Is that it? Also sorry it took me so long to reply. I was visiting my Girlfriend.